"For I fully expect and hope that I will never be ashamed, but that I will continue to be bold for Christ, as I have been in the past. And I trust that my life will bring honor to Christ, whether I live or die."
- Philippians 1:20
6 months ago, I was the master of pretending everything was okay until one day I snapped. That’s the thing about emotions if they are not processed properly, eventually, they find a way to take over. Over these last few days, God has shown me how much strength and courageous is attached to vulnerability. I originally had a different topic picked up for this week’s blog post, but I felt the need to be raw and open with my emotions.
Last summer, I went through one of the darkest seasons of my life. For years I struggled with low self-esteem, rejection, and not feeling good enough but at the same time wanting to prove my worth to other people. I found myself searching for a feeling through my academics, friendships, and relationships. I didn’t see myself as a beautiful creation of God who has value and purpose, instead of seeking the identity the Lord had for me, I tried to create one. At the end of my senior year, my GPA, club/organization memberships, and friendships were stripped from me. After my graduation, I started to feel empty, but I couldn’t exactly pinpoint why. I was going to college in just a few months, I was finally getting my fresh start, so why wasn’t I happy?
It didn’t matter if I was in a new place, a fresh start would not happen unless my patterns changed. More importantly, my image had to reflect the words of the Lord; I could not manufacture it anymore. What’s amazing about the Lord is that even though my patterns were still the same, He still kept his protection around me. He surrounded me with uplifting and encouraging people as well as opportunities that have greatly contributed to my growth. However, at the end of my freshman year in college, that empty feeling returned, and it was worse. Not only did it return, but it paralyzed my mind and body. Suddenly, feelings of low self-esteem, rejection, and disappointment were not just faint thoughts, but they were extremely prominent. I searched for something or someone to fill that void in me, but nothing did.
That season of my life is where I learned the most about true vulnerability. When we are vulnerable we are being exposed to the possibility of being attacked physically or mentally. God showed me that before I open up about my struggle with other people, I had to open up to Him first. After being bullied most of the middle and high school, I suppressed the feeling of rejection. After being told by other people I needed to change my physical looks, I became comfortable with having a low self-esteem. After burning myself out trying to create an image of perfection, I came to terms with the reality that I would never be being good enough. My point in saying this is that even though I felt like I fully dealt with these things, I didn’t process them.
Low self-esteem, rejection, and the false image of perfection were not a part of God’s plan for my life. He wanted to push me to become something greater than what I saw for myself and vulnerability was the first step. That vulnerability transferred over as I spoke to close friends, and then into my writing. After writing my first article about my experience with mental health, I felt more exposed than I ever had before. The possibility of being attacked emotionally did not go away, the Lord just gave me his protection.
Processing my emotions and being vulnerable is still not easy and as I’m writing this today, I’m struggling with it. I still fear rejection and some days feelings of low self-esteem creep into my mind. The purpose of my blog is not to paint this picture that I’m completely put together and perfect. I’ve fallen apart multiple times today, and truthfully, I don’t feel God’s presence in some of the situations I’m dealing with now. But that’s the beauty of walking in faith, His presence isn’t something we have to feel to know it’s there.
As you spend time with the Lord during this time of quarantine, I pray that you are wholeheartedly vulnerable with the Him. He already knows what you’re struggling with, but he waits for us to confess with our mouths and invite him. Don’t worry about being attacked because His protection will surround you. Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, but an indication of God’s grace.
I am a working progress, but I’m thankful that the Lord works will me every day.
Xoxo,
Girl with Grace
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